I Isolate Myself on Purpose

I am no stranger to feeling isolated. Even before the coronavirus, I didn’t have any interaction with people outside our home. We’ve been living here for 3 years and not much has changed. I sound like a broken record, but it’s the truth. The idea of trying to build a friendship sounds exhausting in itself. At the end of each day, I’m beyond touched out, and my ears have been completely talked off. Some nights I don’t even feel like staying awake to spend time with my husband.

Believe me, the more I say it, the more unhealthy it sounds. Part of me wants to put myself out there, but it’s hard getting out of bed let alone trying to come out of my shell. I’ve joined Peanut, so maybe I could connect with someone locally who felt the same as me. But every time I have a “match,” I don’t strike up a conversation. If another mom tries to get to know me or wants to meet up for a play date, I find excuses or don’t respond. Like right now, I can’t even remember the last time I opened it.

When I was in high school and even middle school, I struggled to make friends. I didn’t want to be alone, but I would always take the easy way out and not build lasting relationships. Why? Fear of being judged, I guess. I was dubbed the weird and ugly kid, so my anxiety told me that if anyone took interest in me, it was out of pity. It is so hard to turn that part of your brain off when that’s how you’ve been for more than half of your life. Some days I wonder if my own husband even likes me. Isn’t that nuts?

Sure, I’ve had many acquaintances over the last few years. Coworkers, mostly. I put some effort into keeping in touch, but then I end up disappearing. And when they don’t reach out, I automatically assume that they have forgotten about me and my attention is more useful elsewhere. It takes a lot of energy to interact with other people, and not just other adults. I have a difficult time interacting with my own kids at times. I’m a true introvert, I’m just good at hiding it. I’m outgoing and bubbly when necessary, but it really isn’t who I am. I enjoy all things low key, and I don’t like going out and socializing. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m alone. I like it. But sometimes I need someone to unload and vent to, so I don’t feel so crazy.